Building Bridges
One Sunday night some years ago, Melissa and I were sitting in our family room watching Masterpiece Theater on PBS (yes we have become our grandparents) when we had an interesting experience. In our family room at that time the flat screen TV hung on the wall above the fireplace. We were halfway through one of those typically British PBS murder mysteries when Melissa suddenly said – “Did you see that?” Thinking she was referring to the show I said – “No, I didn’t see anything and quite frankly I can’t even figure out who the suspects are.” “Not the television,” she said. “The fireplace! Did you see that thing fall down into the fireplace?” “No,” I said, “I’m sure it was nothing and please be quiet because with all these British accents I can’t understand what anyone is saying.” “Cut it out,” she said, “I am sure I saw something fall down in there.”
Well, just as I was beginning to reassure her that she was imagining things and causing me to miss ‘who done it,’ this little black creature crawled up and out over the top of the fire screen. Trying to be as nonchalant as possible, I said, “You certainly are right sweetie, that is a bat.” Well, we may be closing in on Social Security, but my bride can really move when she puts her mind to it. Before I could even get out of my chair she had fled the room, bounded up the stairs, slammed and locked the bedroom door.
In the meantime, I closed the family room door to keep our visitor contained and ran down to the basement to get the broom and my fishing net. If possible, I wanted to catch the bat without hurting it. Well, to make a long story short, by the time I got back into the family room that bat was nowhere to be found. I looked everywhere – in the fireplace, up the flue, behind the curtains, under the couch – but the bat was gone.
After searching for about 15 minutes, I decided I would sit back down and just watch for a while. So, there I sat looking from the TV to the fireplace, from the fireplace to the TV every few seconds wondering if our guest would return. After about 45 minutes Melissa came back down the steps and called to me from the other room to see if I had gotten the bat. I explained that the bat had vanished but that I was still keeping an eye out. She said – “Is it safe to come in?” Literally, just as I was beginning to open my mouth to tell her the bat was long gone, I caught this movement out of the corner of my eye and turning my head – there was the bat about three feet from me crawling his way out from underneath the skirt of Melissa’s favorite chair. Well, now I was freaked out and I yelled – “No, he’s back!” At that point Melissa shrieked and fled again. I was so creeped out that I lost all my environmental high ideals as well as my Christian compassion. I grabbed the broom and proceeded to dispatch that little critter as quickly as possible. (I later found out from a vet that this was the right thing to do because bats that crawl around but don’t fly are probably sick and may be diseased.) In any case it was quite a night!
In our lesson this morning from Exodus, the Israelites are terrified and getting ready to run away. They are preparing to flee, not from bats – but from Pharaoh and years of slavery in Egypt. Moses and Pharaoh have been battling back and forth. But Moses has God on his side and after a number of terrible plagues (that did not include bats), Pharaoh finally relents. God instructs Moses, Aaron, and the people of Israel that they must be ready to go when the time comes. When the final great plague strikes the Egyptians, the Israelites should have their traveling clothes on, their belongings packed and their walking sticks in their hands. They need to be ready to run at a moment’s notice. God has been watching their suffering, and God is going to set them free – from a great evil. When the moment arrives, they have to be ready to flee, ready to run from Pharaoh and his army and out into the desert. This is the story of the Passover, the great salvation event in the history of Judaism and God instructs them it is to be a day they always remember and celebrate.
Now in our Gospel lesson, by comparison, Jesus tells his disciples that if they have a conflict with someone, they shouldn’t run from it; they shouldn’t avoid it – rather, they need to deal with it – in love. You might be inclined to run from a bat, and the Israelites certainly needed to run from Pharaoh – but when it comes to our relationships with our brothers and sisters – we have to deal with those straight on. Not out of anger. Not out of spite. Not out of self-righteousness – but out of a desire to protect the relationship and to speak the truth in love. There should be no gossiping, no backbiting, no passive-aggressive avoidance. Rather, he tells them, if you have a problem with another, go and sit down with that person in private and work it out. As hard as that may be – Jesus wants them to know that’s how they can really care for each other. That’s how they help one another to grow.
There is an old story about two good friends who were out fishing one day and enjoying some casual conversation. One asked the other – “How’d you come out in that argument you had with your wife?” “Great,” responded the second, “She came crawling to me on her hands and knees.” “Oh yeah,” said the first, “What did she say?” “Come out from under that bed, you coward”.
When couples come through my door hoping to get married and looking for premarital counseling, I often ask them – “What’s the most important thing in a marriage?” They usually say something like – Love, Forgiveness, and Understanding. Right, I tell them. But in order to really love someone, in order to really forgive someone, in order to really understand someone – you have to be willing to deal openly and honestly with the issues that lie between you and that other person. Therefore, I tell them that conflict (and not the avoidance of conflict) is critical for a long term happy marriage. Conflict is good, if it is healthy conflict, constructive conflict, if it is conflict that genuinely seeks the best for all involved. Because you really can’t love someone if you run from the issues you have with that person. And you can’t really forgive someone if you aren’t willing to sit down and talk honestly about how you have been wronged. Moreover, you will never understand someone if you won’t give them a chance to explain. I tell these couples that in a good marriage (or in any relationship) healthy conflict is always constructive and it is constructive conflict that enables us to grow as couples and as individuals.
Martin Luther King once said, “Cowardice asks the question: is it safe? Expediency asks the question: is it politic? Vanity asks the question: is it popular? But conscience asks the question: is it right? And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular—but one must take it simply because it is right.”
I have no illusions when it comes to the fact that I am a far better person than I have a right to be because for the past 38 years Melissa has been willing to speak the truth to me in love. She’s my best critic even when she is my harshest critic and I have been blessed as a result. There are some things in life that we can run away from, ought to run away from – but whenever possible, the people we care about should never be one of them.
What are the relationships in your life that need to be strengthened? Who do you need to sit down with and seek understanding? Who do you need to sit down with and ask for forgiveness? As husbands, wives, sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers, and the people of God, we are supposed to be bridge builders – healing old wounds, setting things straight, strengthening relationships, striving to repair whatever it is that may be broken between the people we care about. That is how we grow and how we help others to grow. It is a part of what it means to carry on Christ’s work of reconciling love. When St. Paul said – “Let love be genuine; hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good,” he didn’t say -“let love be convenient.” Genuine love implies genuine care for the welfare of others. It requires that we strive to be honest. It’s not that we always know what is right and must impose it on others; it’s that to ignore what is wrong is to ignore the responsibilities of love. Amen.